Preposterousness

If I cry but am not changed

If I sob but do not turn

If I weep but repeat

I have been suckered in by vanity.

Tears are not enough.

I really believed this once.

When I was believing lies.  When I was conflicted.  When I was blocking God.  When I was living two lives.

Boy George released Same Thing In Reverse around the time I was furthest from God's design for my life, and I clung to the lyrics.  I identified with the man he was singing to.  I wanted to believe what he was saying.

I wanted to make sense of my what I felt, and I didn't think the Bible was able to do it for me.

Thing is, in and of itself, the Bible can't : it's only when that Word is transformed from words on a page to words on our hearts through the miracle of the Holy Spirit study guide that the Bible truly makes sense.

But at the time, I was blocking God with my own judgement.

Now when I hear this song, having been through the refining fire of transformation, the main thing I feel is sadness. Because it's not the same thing in reverse at all; it's counterfeit.

Several months ago (ok, probably a year ago), Diane came across a book about the design of insane asylums in the US, and the changing significance of architecture and design in the treatment of mental disease through the years.

Being complete nerds, we both found "The Architecture of Madness" completely fascinating.  I took that fascination a step further by deciding to use it as a song title for one of the multitude of half finished songs I have sitting in my Garageband archives.

Like most of my extra-curricular activities, months can go by without any progress.  But this half-finished song has been on my mind again in recent days, so I've been tinkering away with it, along with several other half-finished-and-maybe-untitled songs.

On the surface, my songwriting process appears logical and systematised.  And to a certain extent it is.  But in reality it is the most chaotic, haphazardly organised part of my life, and this is what (I think) I need for the creative process to remain creative; not perfunctory or business-like.  Or perhaps, simply the antithesis of the rest of my life.

But I wonder, is this in fact what the architecture of madness is really all about?

• From the outside : order
• From the inside : chaos

I wonder if is this an accurate way of describing most people's lives to some degree, including perhaps, most churches?

And then I realise it's time to pray. Again. As it always is.

Frustrating when you're a do-er, but doing without praying is usually doing which should have been left undone.  And I've been sucked in by that architecture of madness more times than I care to admit.

I had convinced myself that Sydney would always be home.

Turns out I was wrong.

As I flew in on Monday, the stunningly beautiful sights of the harbour, the bridge, the skyline, the Opera House, the headlands glistening in the sunlight on that clear, cold early morning made most of the passengers on board audibly gasp.  Many of them would have been seeing it for the first time, and it's understandable to have your breath taken away; this city's beauty has taken my breath on countless occasions throughout my life.

So I expected to be the same.  After all, I was coming home, and as home is where the heart is, I kind of assumed I'd left part of my heart here.

Here : at home.

But I don't think I did, and that surprised me.  It's still stunningly beautiful, but it's not my home.

It's completely obvious, but I'm realising more and more that places I thought I'd left my heart are not linked to the place at all, but the memories, the experiences, and most importantly the people I've shared them with.  Sydney has been the place where some of the deepest joy and deepest pain of my life has been experienced, but visiting some of the places where those memories were formed this week felt oddly lifeless.

Sure, I've been here without my best friend, my wife Diane, and it's the longest we've been apart since we were married.  But a lot of the memories, happy & sad, date from a time before "us" anyway, so that's not the end of the story.

I think mostly it's the culmination of years of work God has been doing in me : to find my home in Him, wherever on earth I may happen to be.  In this world, but not of it.

I really do love Sydney, it's the most amazing city on the planet, and I'm totally unbiased, of course.  My heart is forever linked to people who live here, but if they ever left, my heart would follow wherever they went.  My heart isn't linked to Sydney, or even *gulp* Australia.  And no-one is more shocked by that revelation than me.

Sydney, I love you.  But you are no longer my home.

Warning : this is another of my random thoughts posts, which are always usually conceived while walking praying sleeping.

em·bel·lish (m-blsh)

: to make a story more interesting by adding detail

ex·ag·ger·ate (g-zj-rt)

: to represent as greater than is actually the case; overstate

For example :

"At dawn early-ish Every most some mornings I go speed walking.  I love like all most many some of the smells I delight in endure experience while I'm out, such as cheap cigarettes & car exhaust crisp morning air & trees, and after  7   4  2 miles I'm refreshed exhausted and ready to start the day go back to bed."

We all do this.

I realise that could be an exaggeration, but I doubt it.  

So why do we embellish our anecdotes?

Is it because we fear our lives are boring unless we help them out a bit?  Or is it merely the art of story-telling?  Or both?  Or something altogether different?

And how do we know what is true?

Throughout the Bible, the same events are accounted for numerous times by different witnesses or historians or whomevers.  While perspectives change, the details don't.  We as Christians know that all Scripture is God-breathed, but He decided to further confirm it to our naturally wayward minds so for many of the big details, more than one account is recorded, and the Bible is widely recognised as a reliable historical document.

More confirmation, as if any were needed, that accountability in our lives is not just important, it's vital.  And that's no exaggeration.

The other night we were talking about all sorts of things in the Clayville living room (aka my office) and while I won't go into details (mainly because I've forgotten most of them) it got me thinking about something I say a fair bit : "start as you mean to go on".

It's apparently an old English expression, and as is appropriate for someone often mistaken for being English and now technically resident in the United Kingdom, it's a terribly British way of saying you should think big for the future right from the start of anything.  Kinda like being "dressed for success"...I guess.

It also reminds me of that other well known expression : "the road to hell is paved with good intentions"

So I'm thankful that even though it's great to start as you mean to go on, God is more than willing to give us second chances along the way.

Every morning when I go out walking (which is apparently more like a jog, since I walk around 5.5 mph), these are 15 random questions (mostly) that fill my mind :

• will my current "work-from-anywhere" status change in a few weeks?
• if it does, what country will I be working in?
• if I don't like that, will I change jobs?
• am I really in a position to change jobs?
• what does Diane want in all this?
• why are Bloodhound Gang songs so dang catchy?
• should I look for work here?
• like really, should I?
• if I did, what's the likelihood we'd get green cards?
• how does Northern Ireland fit in with all this???
• and will I remember to look right for traffic by the time we get back there?
• Chris Colfer should totally record his own album.
• oh no!  Glee isn't back 'til September!!
• I really, really love my wife.
• like really. really.

So after that minute is up, I generally spend most of the rest of the walk talking with God, thankful that the problems I have don't involve wondering how I'm going to survive the day or provide for my family.  And maybe whistling Haddaway. Or other cheesy Europop.

Such are the trials of a first world life.  "Blessed" doesn't even begin to describe it.

If you haven't read my first "Thoughts on Emigrating" post, it can be found here.

Four weeks ago, Diane and I left Australia - the country that had been home my whole life, and Diane's home since 2002 when we married.

We left part of our hearts there as we boarded the plane for Northern Ireland.

We left family behind.

We left life-as-we-knew-it, and stepped into something new.

I hesitate to say it was something unknown, because I think we knew exactly what all this would mean : our hearts getting redistributed all over the world.

Fast forward to today, and we've been in the USA for more time than we were in Northern Ireland before coming here on this "working vacation" centred around one of the very best things we've ever had the privilege of being part of, and after a recent change in plans, we're going to be here until July.  And by here, I mean Portland.  And even more specifically, at Brian & Jenni's house.  We cannot even begin to express our gratitude.

You see, we've fallen in love with family. Real family, not just the kind where you share blood ties (though that can be really good too). And the hardest part about that is the fact the rest of our family is spread across the globe. Literally, across 3 continents, and the more we travel the more continents get added to this list. *sigh*

Making the decision to stay in the US longer was also helped (a little) by my desire to always be a good steward of my employer's resources, and my return to Australia for a week at the end of June costs less than half what it would have had I departed from Northern Ireland. WIN!  Apart from an intense week of work (hello, end of financial year), I'll get to spend time with my Aussie family.  Still, this is happy/sad, as Diane will be here in the States.  And, um, we've never actually spent a whole week apart since we got married...

Hard as this new life is in so many ways, I'm certain I wouldn't have it any different right now. We're experiencing God, church, community and love in new ways, and that can only be a good thing.

This is going to be one of those collections of random thoughts; a good reflection of life right now...

• Firstly, we're here.  And by here I mean Northern Ireland.  What a saga.
• I've never spent much time looking at driver licensing around the world, but I've got to say compared to Australia, the UK has the most utterly ridiculous system ever.
• Customer service from Singapore Airlines & Stena Line is totally wonderful.
• Europcar nearly gave us a massive fail in our carefully planned out contingency for having a potentially cancelled London-Belfast flight.  I was going to rant, but I didn't.  And they came through for us in the nick of time.
• The flight did get cancelled, and applying for a refund once it was cancelled involved a 20 second phone call.  BMI WIN!
• Some of these next thoughts might sound rude.
• They're not meant to be.
• Whatever.
• I still find it absolutely hilarious how many conversations I overhear between Norn Iron lads where every possible part of their vocal range is covered in each sentence.
• I may do an audio snippet of me imitating that at some point...
• In general, Belfast women wear WAY too much make-up.
• Like seriously, it makes you u.g.l.y.
• That generalisation may apply across the country, but I'm not in a position to judge. Yet.
• We're going car shopping soon.
• I really enjoy hearing more people with foreign accents, or speaking in foreign languages, than you used to get here when I first fell in love with the place (and its finest daughter) back in 2001.
• Apparently, we have it on good authority that there's a good Japanese restaurant here now.
• Whether it will stand up to our scrutiny is yet to be determined.
• Confirmation of my craziness : I'm loving the weather.  So far.
• I really need a facial and a manicure.
• Those are things I never got done in Australia - I'd do them myself.  But I wanna be pampered.
• Yes, I'm still metro.
• It is seriously CHEAP here when you have Australian dollars.
• That last thought comes under the title of "Things I Thought I'd Never Say".
• Entering the country at Heathrow was also unexpectedly easy.  Vast improvements on previous visits.
• I love colloquialisms.  They're dead on.
• I think 25 points is more than enough for Part 1.
• Wait, that was 26.
• Now entering a never-ending circle of crazy.

Next up, my #50pic post on our new local surrounds.  If you're familiar with my Facebook photos, you'll be able to compare some of them to prior pics too.

I do still plan to do a post of the amazing provision, grace and mercy of God in all of this change, turmoil, etc.  Let me get my head together first.

Yes, that does imply it might not happen until June, since we're off to the US in a week...

Let's see how we go this time...

Barring further volcanos, or ongoing problems with our beloved kitty Maebh (more later), we're leaving in 7 days.

But first, some exceptionally poor pics from our farewell party thingy last weekend.  In case I'd not mentioned how this worked, everyone had to bring everything (food, cutlery, seating) and then leave with random bits of our house as they left too...with anything left over in the back room going to charity.  Our friends did us proud and cleared us out :)

Meanwhile, poor Maebh hasn't been coping well with the stress of everything and has become ill, and we're not really sure what it is. She shows signs of improvement, but then reverts back to not eating. And it's common for cats to go into starvation mode when they're ill, but that doesn't help.

So this morning we're going back to the vet for the third time in the week since our delayed departure, likely for blood tests to check if there is anything really wrong or if she's just throwing the ultimate kitty tantrum and needs to be forcefed.

As always, we covet your prayers during this unexpectedly stressful time.